On the coast of Florida in a small jail there was a man named Todd who was an inmate for 5 years now and was serving life in prison rape and murder. He was very stalwart, he was about 29 years old, and he was big with 5 o'clock shadow. One day while in the jail yard he had been deftly working on digging a ditch under a bulwark and that one day he finished it and on that day he finally escaped from prison. The hole was finally large enough to fit through. He planned it perfectly while the guards were too distracted on watching the new inmates enter the prison off the bus. He slipped under the bulwark to the other side and he sprinted, tripping over his own feet across the green field, across an estuary, and into the mangrove forest.
It took about a day to reach Miami and he lived in the city for about two weeks. One day a kind lady approached him with a very happy and open countenance. She worked at a shelter where they took in people from the streets. He had been wearing and old tattered shirt and was very dirty and displeasing. She hesitantly offered to take him in to their home and he accepted the offer. She couldn’t just let him live out on the street alone. She decided now that she would instead of send him to the shelter she would bring him home.
He was lying on the couch watching TV and the woman was tending to his every need. She wrapped poultice cloth around his cut on his leg he had gotten on the street. “So what’s your name anyway?” Said Todd.
“My name is Laura” she said.
“Do you live here by yourself?”
“No.” she stated, “My husband and I live here together but he’s at work right now.”
“Oh.” He said disappointingly, now his plan would be much harder with another person in the house.
At supper that night the husband, Jim, came home from his long day at work and saw Todd sitting at the table. “Who is this!?” said Jim surprised.
“This is Todd.” Said Laura, “He’s going to be living here for a while until we can get him back on his feet.”
Jim didn’t say anything else and he just let it go. Todd told him about himself but no that he escaped form jail. He embellished his story and said that he was a previous business owner whose business went bankrupt to make him sound a little better. Todd could tell that Jim didn’t care for him and that he was only wanted in this house by Laura.
As time went by Todd began to gain Jim’s trust. Todd had his own job and he was actually making decent pay. Todd was now thought of as a part of the family. Todd knew that now he could finally fulfill his plan. He decided that he would do it tonight when they were sleeping.
After Jim and Laura went to sleep Todd snuck out of his bed down the hallway and into the closet of Laura and Jim. He was being as quiet as he possibly could. He remembered to bring some tools from the cellar and he went over to the safe and opened it. He took all of their stuff he took, money, bank; account numbers, passports, and even went into their wallets and took their credit cards. He ran into the driveway and he started their car and drove away. He dumped it into the ocean where no one would ever find it.
When Jim and Laura woke up they called the police and the story made the all the tidings in the local area. Todd had been living under a false name so no one really knew his real name, it was really Tyler. Todd thought he had made out perfectly and now no one could stop him.
After about a month when he thought things had cooled down Todd went to the bank to deposit some money. He opened the account of Laura and Jim. What Todd didn’t know is that the police had been waiting for an inkling or someone to open the account of Jim and Laura so that they could catch him. The bursar signaled to the person working in the back of the bank to call the police.
Right after Todd deposited his money he casually walked out the door without a care in the world when he heard’ “Freeze it’s the police!” Todd dropped his stuff and just surrendered without ant fight at all. He was handcuffed and walked through all the fracas to the cop car. Before he knew it he was back where he started in the first place doing life in jail, it was déjà vu all over again.
8 comments:
The conflict in the story is that the protgonist, Todd, is trying to steal items from a couples house without getting caught by the police. The conflict was external. The conflict was resolved when Todd got caught and aressted by the police and went back to jail. I thought that the resolution of the conflict was pretty good, but it ended abruptly. I think that it could of have been more dramatic if Todd was sentinced to the death penalty for what he did.
I think that the protagonist did not actually change over time that much, he might of become more clever because he made the couple believe that he was a good guy when he really was not. I think that this change is important to the story because he would not of been able to steal all of the great items from the couple if he did not become more convincing. The story would of been pointless if the character did not change over time because then Todd would not of stollen the items from the people.
My favorite part of the story was when Todd stoll all of the valuable items that the couple that he was living with had. I belive that this part of the story occured in the climax. "“Oh.” He said disappointingly, now his plan would be much harder with another person in the house." I liked this sentence of the story because it hinted to me that there was going to be something dramatic going on in the future.
I think that the tales best quality is the climax because it should the main part of the story and what eventually happened. In the climax he talks about how the protagonist stoll the items and got away,but eventually got caught.
I think that the story's theme is what goes around comes around. The author plants the seeds when the protagonist gets out of jail and then finds a family to live with. It grows when the protagonist finally steals the things he wants and gets caught by the police.
I think that the author needs to check his grammar and spelling mistakes because I found some parts when words were spelled incorectly or the sentence did not make sense. I think that if the author looks at the requirements for conventions and fixes his mistakes then he will do good and get a good grade. That will make a meanigful improvement in the author's short story.
The conflict in the story is that the main character, Todd, is trying to steal items from a couples house but in a way not getting caught by the police. The conflict was external. The conflict was cleared when Todd got caught and arrested by the police and went back to jail. I thought that the resolution of the conflict was good but ended pretty fast. I think that it could of have been better if Todd got a bigger sentence.
I think that the protagonist did not actually change over the story that much, he might of become more clever because he made the couple believe that he was a good guy when he really was not. I think if he didn’t change the way he would not of been able to steal all of the expensive items from the couple if he did not become more convincing.
My favorite part of the story was when Todd stole all of the things he stole with the family he lived with.“,now his plan would be much harder with another person in the house.” That actually made me think something interesting would happen next.
I think that the stories best quality is the climax. This is because it was the part with the most dramatic tension. In the Todd steals the items gets free but then later is caught.
I think that the story's theme is karma. Todd gets out of jail which is bad then he makes the family believe he’s a good guy but really isn’t. Then he steals from them without getting caught. But since he did something wrong he was bound to get caught.
You should look over the story again for grammar and punctuation errors cause there were a few of them scattered throughout. Also read the story out loud because some parts don’t make sense and takes away from the story.
1) The conflict of the story is Todd stealing money from Laura ad Jim. I was interested with what happened to Jim in the end. The story would have been better, though, If Ryan hadn’t made so many grammatical and spelling errors.
2) The main character does not change over time, but that is the point of the story. He starts as a criminal and ends as a criminal.
3) My favorite part of the story was when Todd stole Laura’s money and such. This took place during the climax. “He took all of their stuff he took, money, bank; account numbers, passports, and even went into their wallets and took their credit cards.” This shows the reader just how bad Todd was. He took everything he could find.
4) The tales best quality is the plot. You can clearly tell the exposition from the rising action and so on. This is the best quality because if you couldn’t tell them apart the tale wouldn’t make sense.
5) The stories theme is either once a criminal, always a criminal or good always defeats evil. The author foreshadowed this by introducing that Jim had a plan but not saying what it was so you know he was going to do something.
6) The author needs to work out his grammatical and spelling errors in this tale. The story would flow much better with them removed.
Vocab Words
1. Stalwart- adj. Strong
2. Bulmark- n. Solid wall-like structure
3. Deftly- v. With skill
4. Estuaury- n. Water passage where tide meets a river.
5. Mangrove- n. Tropical tree.
6. Contenance- n. Facial expression.
7. Tatterd- adj. Ragged.
8. Poultice- n. Warm cloth used for healing a wound.
9. Embellish- v. Inhance or exaggerate.
10. Tidings- n. Piece of news
11. Inkling- n. A clue
12. Bursar- n. Person in charge of money.
13. Fracas- n. A noisy dispute.
14. Deja Vu- n. A feeling that one has heard or seen something before.
I. The conflict of his story was that the main character, Todd had just escaped from jail and was planning to steal from these two innocent people in a city without getting caught by the police. The conflict I thought was external. The story was resolved when we find out that Todd had been caught by the police and soon arrested and put back in jail to start his life all over again. I thought that the resolution was good, and it was good to know that he had gotten caught so that he wouldn't be stealing from any other innocent people trying to help him.
II. The character didn’t exactly change over time because he ended up getting back to the beginning again. The change of the character was important to the story because if he had not changed, then therefore, the story wouldn't have been as exciting.
III. My favorite part of the story was when Todd had gotten caught by the police. It is my favorite part because it was good to know that the town was safe from him stealing things again. It was the resolution, or the ending of the story that this part was in. "Before he knew it he was back where he started in the first place doing life in jail, it was déjà vu all over again." I really like this quote from the story because it is the last sentence and really gets you thinking. I also liked how he didn’t leave you unanswered.
IV. Overall, I would say that the tales best quality is the climax. A good part was when he hinted to us saying that he was planning to do something when she explained there was another person in the house.
V. The story's theme is don’t put your hopes up, for they can always fail. This fits well with the story because he is very determined that this time his plan will work out, but what happens is that he goes right back into what he was in the first place.
VI. I think that he did a good job on revising the story, there may be a few grammar mistakes here and there but overall, the author explained what was going on in the story at all times.
The conflict of the story was that Todd had gotten out of jail and made friends with an older couple and then stole their belongings. This was an external conflict. This conflict was resolved by having the police catch him when he went to put money in the couples account.
The protagonist doesn't really change because he is still a con artist and he goes back to jail. His insight was when he gained the trust of the couple and then took all of their belongings.
My favorite part of the story was when Laura had taken Todd in. "He had been wearing and old tattered shirt and was very dirty and displeasing. She hesitantly offered to take him in to their home and he accepted the offer." this was my favorite part because she is trying to do a good dead and she doesnt even know yet that she will be robbed.
The stories theme is that people never change. I think that because in the beging he was in jail and then he had the couples trust and then he stole from them and was the same ols person he was before.
I think that you shouldn't start the story with once upon the time just because it is about a prisoner. You also have a lot of spelling ang grammar mistakes i would also check that.
Good story though!!
The greatest change that i made between the fist copy and the second copy was that i added more detail and i added more vocab words.
The online feedback was more helpful because more people multiple people commented on it instead of one person.
I think that my stories greatest strength is the plot because .
it is interesting.
The advice that i would give next years students is that they should add vocab words in the first copy instead of adding them in after.
I would like the reader to be able to enjoy the story and to get hooked into the story easily. There is no real message i want to get across its just i want the reader to enjoy. What i think works well in this piece is the plot and that was easy to write. I think that the grammatical errors aren't working well but i will fix them. No questions, i want helpful feedback
Post a Comment